


I'm Getting That Kiss, Hyung

by pseuds



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Denial, Fluff, Gay, JaeYong - Freeform, Kissing, M/M, i honestly dont know what to put for the title im sorry, jisung is mentioned, johnten, mostly ten is a crackhead, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 07:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15092444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseuds/pseuds/pseuds
Summary: “How about,” Ten tapped his chin thoughtfully, “I kiss you instead?”“What?”“You.” Ten looked at him as if Johnny was being stupid. “I haven’t kissed you. How am I supposed to know if I’m attracted to men if I haven’t kissed you?”Or, Ten goes around the dorm kissing people to see if he's gay and Johnny's had enough.





	I'm Getting That Kiss, Hyung

**Author's Note:**

> We pretend that Ten lives in NCT 127's dorm.

Johnny had always been used to Ten’s eccentricities. The younger boy had done so many unusual things for the entire seven years that Johnny knew him so he wasn’t surprised every time he saw Ten sleeping on the floor of their dorm, saying that his bed was too hot and the floor’s a lot colder, or when Johnny tried putting some vegetables on his plate and Ten swatted his spoon away and said, “Hyung. I’m on a color diet and the color today is red.” He grabbed a forkful of bacon, adding them to his platter of meat. “See? No greens allowed.”

He also remembered that time when Ten tried to play basketball with his feet, almost hitting Doyoung in the face - Johnny had to pull the latter back because he looked like he was ready to go off while Ten giggled like an idiot - or that time when Ten thought it was a good idea to put foil inside the microwave and almost set the dorm on fire.

Johnny was so relieved he pulled out the plug in time. He was seconds away from reprimanding Ten about how aluminum and microwaves _do not mix what are you even doing in the kitchen_ , but his anger melted and was replaced with something he didn’t want to put a name on when the younger boy ducked his head first, apologizing because he just _wanted to make Johnny-hyung some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and isn’t the microwave the fastest way to melt them?_

(“Ten,” Johnny said, sighing. “That’s fine but don’t you think you have to remove the packaging first?”)

But despite Johnny being used to all of Ten’s peculiarity and occasional stupidity, there were also times when he was being a handful. 

It was a few months back. They went out drinking in a nearby restaurant to celebrate the success of their comeback and everything was fine – the adults were drinking soju while the minors had juice – until Yuta suggested to play Never Have I Ever and the loser had to take five shots. And Ten decided to be stubborn.

“Five shots? That’s so weak.” He grinned. “Make it _ten_.”

Johnny tried to say that five is already enough to get them all wasted. But the younger boy didn’t listen, who ended up losing and Johnny had to haul his ass all the way back to the dorm, too intoxicated to even stand up. He was babbling nonstop in Thai, sometimes switching to English and Korean, and Johnny was already seconds away from sealing his mouth with duct tape. He finally couldn’t take it and told him to shut up, which only infuriated Ten, and he started shouting angrily in Thai. He swatted Johnny’s hands away and tried to scramble off (he would’ve fallen on the pavement and broke his nose if Johnny hadn’t gripped him by the waist) because, as he switched back to Korean, _only Johnny-hyung can talk to me like that and hold me like this yada yada put me down you shit!_

And so it became an unspoken rule that Johnny was the one to deal with his crap and get his ass out of all the trouble he got himself into.

But sometimes, he wondered how many past gods he’d angered to earn him this role of babysitting because Johnny had absolutely _no idea_ what came over this five-foot-seven idiot as he stood there, watching him harass a flustered Taeyong.

“Come on, Taeyong-hyung,” Ten said, straddling the older boy who was trying to push him off. “It’s just a peck – it’s not like I’m gonna make out with you or something.”

Taeyong swatted his hands away, protesting that this isn’t a good idea and _what if someone sees us?_

“Oh, I already got Jaehyunnie’s permission after I gave him a quick smack.” Ten grinned. “He said it’s fine as long as I don’t try anything else.”

Johnny almost turned around because it was too early in the damn morning for this and his brain just wanted to sleep (that was what he blamed, anyway). But his mind flashed back to when Taeil barged into his room earlier, the door slamming shut behind him so loud that it jolted Johnny awake. It was the first time he had seen their eldest member looking royally pissed off and he couldn’t help the nervousness that started coiling in his gut.

“Good morning, hyung,” Johnny said warily as Taeil glared down at him on his bed. “Is this how we wake people up now?”

“Please control your boyfriend,” Taeil snapped, looking so out of character that Johnny almost flinched. _Almost_. But Johnny was mostly confused. And his brain still wasn’t working. What _boyfriend?_ “He’s been kissing people the entire morning.”

“Hyung, I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t _care_ if he’s your boyfriend or not,” the older boy said. “Just tell him to back off – especially from Sicheng. He only listens to you so do something about it.”

Johnny watched him storm out the room, angrily muttering under his breath, and Johnny would’ve found it amusing if it weren’t for his brain that was suddenly screeching in alarm as realization dawned on him. He got up, making his way to the part of the dorm where the clamoring was coming from, and saw Ten straddling their poor leader on the living room couch, who seemed seconds away from shouting for help.

He didn’t even realize he had walked forward until Taeyong’s eyes lit up, looking extremely relieved. “Johnny!”

Ten looked around until his eyes landed on him, his momentary surprise turning into a wide smile. “Johnny-hyung!”

“Ten, can we talk for a moment?” Johnny didn’t wait for his reply and almost hauled the smaller boy off Taeyong’s lap, who was protesting all the way into his room. Johnny dumped him on his bed and he wished Taeyong got the memo and stayed out of their room for a while.

“Ow, what was that for?” Ten rubbed his arm as he got into a sitting position. “You didn’t have to manhandle me.”

“What on earth do you think you’re doing?”

“What? Oh, you mean the kissing thing?” A sly grin appeared on Ten’s face. “Are you jealous? Do you want one too?”

Johnny tried his best not to smack him. “You’ve been bothering people. Taeil-hyung already complained.”

Ten scoffed. “Taeil-hyung and Sicheng aren’t even dating. And besides, everyone knows that I see Sicheng as a little brother.”

“Then _why_ did you kiss him? Why are you kissing people?” Johnny rubbed his eyes when the younger boy didn’t say anything. “Ten, it’s too early in the morning for your–”

“Because I read this thing on the internet,” Ten cut in. “In order to figure it out, you gotta try it. And it does make sense, how would you know if you never experienced it?”

Johnny blinked at him, not sure where he’s getting at, and Ten threw up his hands in exasperation. “I’m _experimenting_ , hyung. You won’t know if you’re into guys if you don’t try kissing one, right? It might explain why I don’t really like girls much.”

Johnny had a feeling he was gonna get a headache. “There are a lot of other ways to know without kissing everyone in the dorm, Ten.”

“Oh? How, then? I can’t exactly go into a bar and ask a guy to date me – Manager-nim would have my head.”

“That’s not what I meant. Something must’ve sparked your interest for you to start thinking that way so you should start with whatever that–”

Ten looked away from him. “Nothing sparked it.”

“Are you sure?” When the younger boy still refused to meet his eyes, Johnny sighed. “Okay, look. If you don’t want to think about it, how about you stop kissing the other members and we talk about this. That can help you realize things.”

“That’s basically the same thing with what you just said.”  

“No, it’s different. Because I’ll be talking and thinking with you.”

It was quiet for a few seconds and Johnny felt hopeful that maybe Ten was actually considering his option and he could finally forget all of this ever happened and go back to sleep. But what the younger boy said was far from what he expected.

“How about,” Ten tapped his chin thoughtfully, “I kiss you instead?”

Johnny really hoped it was just his sleep deprived brain hearing things. “ _What_?”

“You.” Ten looked at him as if Johnny was being stupid. “I haven’t kissed you. How am I supposed to know if I’m attracted to men if I haven’t kissed you?”

Apparently not his sleep deprivation, then.

“Were you even listening to me?”

“Johnny-hyung, you’re being _so_ boring and no fun at all. That’s the cowards’ way.”

“Ten, I’m not kissing you. Kiss the person you’re attracted to, not just any boy. It really won’t work if it’s anyone random.”

Ten opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. He stood up. “I’m getting that kiss, hyung. Watch me.”

Oh, Johnny can _definitely_ feel a headache coming on.

 

Of all the peculiar things Ten had done, this was the most eccentric. Ten had been bothering him nonstop the rest of the week, albeit only when it was just the two of them (most of the time) and Johnny was grateful the other still had a semblance of rationality. Johnny had already woken up for two consecutive days to Ten straddling his hips and peering down at him, almost giving him a heart attack.

(“Can I get that kiss now?”)

(“The only thing you’re getting is getting off me,” and pushed him off his lap.)

Most of the time it was when they pass each other in the hallway, or during one of their practices to which Johnny always replied with no, no, and _no._ One day they were both in the kitchen and Ten decided to step it up a little more.

Johnny was heating some leftovers when Ten sauntered to his side, peering over the pot. “What’s that, hyung?”

“Food.”

“Ooh, looks amazing.”

The older boy sighed. He knew any kind of meal with vegetables in it _never_ looked amazing to Ten. “What do you want?”

“I’m just complimenting your . . . great cooking skills,” Ten replied innocently. “It looks really good. But you know what else looks good?” His hand came up, lightly grazing his ass, and squeezed. It took all of Johnny’s self control not to swat it away because Donghyuck was just a few feet away from them, eating on the counter. Ten leaned in and whispered, “You helping me discover my sexuality.”

Johnny thought it would stop after that, but it only got worse. For some reason, Ten became even clingier. He had been following Johnny all week like a lost puppy, pouting at him, asking if he can finally _kiss him this time how about now hyung pretty pwease_.

(“Were you this persevering to the others?”)

(“No, but you’re the only person I’m this comfortable with.”)

(“Why don’t you just go back to kissing the rest of the members?”)

(“You told me not to.”)

(“How come I keep telling you no right now and you’re not listening to me?”)

(“I have selective hearing.”)

It kept going on until Johnny finally reached the point where he was getting extremely tired of it. He decided to give Ten a taste of his own medicine however, it just backfired and kicked him in the ass.

They were polishing their routine in the practice room when their instructor gave them a few minutes’ break. Johnny was about to head towards the water station when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar figure move as well. He took a left turn instead and entered their supply closet, waiting a few moments before his hand darted out and the figure yelped. Johnny grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall.

“Man, what are you doing!” Ten exclaimed, looking flustered.

“I was about to ask you the same thing,” Johnny said. He leaned forward, tilting Ten’s chin up with a finger. “Were you following me?”

After the initial shock wore down, a sly grin slowly appeared on Ten’s face. “Isn’t that what you wanted?” he teased. “No one enters this supply closet unless. . .” His eyes glinted with mischief.

“I think that’s what _you_ wanted.” His voice dropped as his thumb slowly traced Ten’s mouth, pressing down on his bottom lip. “For me to finally say yes, isn’t that right?”

It was such a subtle movement that he doubted even the younger boy was aware of it, but Ten’s lips parted slightly as Johnny leaned closer. The younger boy’s breathing turned labored as his lips hovered over his so closely, but Ten remained absolutely still – just stared at him with wide eyes, as if he couldn’t fathom what Johnny was doing. But something caught in Johnny’s chest – a tingling sensation that he didn’t want to acknowledge and put a name on; something that he knew would send him tumbling if he entertained it any further.

He brushed his lips against Ten’s, close enough for them to touch but not enough to be considered a kiss.

“And the answer,” Johnny whispered, “is still no.”

Johnny released him from his hold and stepped back into the practice room, feeling absolutely stupid because why was he affected as well?

 

It was quite awkward a few days after that, mainly with Johnny trying to compose himself because _what the fuck was he thinking._ He tried to distract himself by practicing their choreography until he was on the verge of passing out. It worked somehow because most nights, he was too exhausted to even think of anything else and he just stumbled straight into bed. The only downside were the dreams, which made him remember all the things he wanted to forget, made him see that flushed pretty face staring up at him as his lips parted, those eyes filled with surprise and – and . . .

Ten must’ve sensed that he wanted some alone time because he kept away for a while, which Johnny was absolutely grateful for. He thought it would finally stay that way but when everything looked like it was going back to normal and Johnny was less tense, Ten bounced back to his bubbly, annoying self and continued pestering him nonstop.

“Ten,” Johnny began tiredly as the younger boy was snuggling up to his side during one of their breaks after another round of _so when are you giving me that kiss hyung I really don’t know if I’m gay or not._ They didn’t talk about what happened in the supply closet – heck, it was as if it never happened. But Ten was still insistent, kept pleading with him to help him and Johnny just wanted all of this to end already because he knew that if it kept going on – if _this_ kept going on, he’d . . .

“Stop this already.”

Ten pouted. “Hyung, what’s wrong with a friendly kiss?”

Johnny pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t know why but he was getting irritated. “Look, the answer is no. It will always be no. You’re my _friend_ and as much as it might help you discover your orientation, I can’t help you with this.”

“But–”

“Let’s just talk this out, okay? Because I’m not going to kiss you.”

“You sure about that?” Ten said teasingly, still unable to get the hint that Johnny was seconds away from going off. “Because I think–”

“Yes!” Johnny snapped. He must’ve said it a lot harsher than he intended because Ten froze. The latter opened his mouth, surprise and hurt flashing across his features but Johnny was on a roll and his mouth didn’t seem to stop, that ugly twisted emotion deep inside him fueling all the rage he was feeling because why can’t Ten just understand and _leave him alone_?

“You know what your problem is?” Johnny started and his mind was screaming at him to _stop you fucking idiot_ , but he kept going, his voice dripping with irritation and anger. “You’ve been _so_ insensitive, pestering me like this all day for so many _weeks_. I’m so fucking tired of your bullshit, Ten, of having to deal with your crap every single fucking day and this _really_ just tops it all. I get so uncomfortable when you keep asking for that damn kiss because you look so desperate, especially when you could’ve handled this entire discovering-your-orientation crap maturely in so many different ways. Can you please at least do me, and your fucking dignity if there are any left, a favor and _leave me alone_?”

The younger boy pulled back from him as if electrocuted and Johnny instantly hated himself, hated all the words that left his mouth because he didn’t mean them at all. An apology was already forming at the tip of his tongue that it wasn’t true – it was so damn far from the truth; he was just tired, he was scared and upset and _so_ confused but –  

“Oh,” Ten’s voice was small. “I’m sorry. I was just – I shouldn’t have pushed too far. I didn’t think you’d feel – I-I’m sorry,” he finished lamely, getting up.

“Wait, Ten–” Johnny started, but he was already backing away from him and he felt so helpless. He heard a door open then softly click shut, and Johnny’s heart felt heavier than ever.

 

A couple of days had passed ever since that incident, which also meant it had been days since Ten started avoiding him like he was harboring the plague. He kept excusing himself to the bathroom every time Johnny was three meters away from him, which was the case most of the time because they lived in the same dorm, until Doyoung finally asked, “Dude, do you need to go to the doctor? You’ve been peeing for about twenty times today already.”

Eventually, everyone in the dorm caught on that they were, indeed, fighting. Johnny knew it was his fault for screwing things up and lashing out at him so he tried everything in his power to fix it. The same day of their fight, and even the days following it, he tried to approach Ten but the bathroom excuse always came up (or if they’re nowhere near a bathroom then the “Oh, I forgot I had to do something,” card), and he even left some messages that was never opened until Johnny finally had enough because it was going on for so long and he was miserable and lonely and he just wanted him back – just wanted them to be alright again because he was _so_ sorry.

Luckily, Ten was usually the last one to shower so right after dinner, Johnny sat in the living room, pretending to be busy on his phone. Everyone had already dispersed to their rooms and the puppy video he was absentmindedly watching was already on its tenth replay when Ten finally stepped out.

“Ten,” Johnny said, trying to ignore how the younger boy was half naked with only a towel wrapped around his waist. “We have to talk.”

Ten didn’t say anything, just tried to step past him but Johnny caught his wrist. “I know you’re mad at me, but can we please talk this out?”

The other refused to meet his eyes. “Let me go, Johnny-hyung.”

“Not until we talk about this. I-I didn’t mean what I said, I’m really sorry.” Ten tried to yank his arm away from his grasp, but Johnny held on tighter. “I know I hurt you and I apo–”  

“For God’s sake, hyung,” Ten said, sounding so exhausted that Johnny let go of his wrist in surprise. “I’m not mad at you, okay? Just–” Ten squeezed his eyes shut, his voice cracking slightly. “Just give me some space, alright? Please.”

“Look, I really want to fix this.” He took a deep breath. “How can I make it up to you? Would it help if I kissed you now?”

Fuck, Johnny felt like the worst human being ever because Ten _started crying_. “Of course not, did you really think I’m upset because you didn’t give me a kiss? That you called me desperate?” His voice was cracking. “I was _never_ mad at you – yes, I got hurt but I deserve it. I was being really insensitive and didn’t consider how you felt at all and I should’ve stopped when you told me to and I’m so sorry about that. But I wasn’t mad at you – I was mad at myself because I was _so_ fucking stubborn.”

He hated seeing Ten so hurt, so upset, and all he wanted to do was reach out to him, but he knew he can’t – not yet; not when he looked like he was about to crumble if Johnny even dared lay a finger on him. “You shouldn’t be,” Johnny whispered, voice hoarse. “There’s nothing wrong with a friendly kiss and I should’ve just helped you with your experime–”  

“I wasn’t experimenting, hyung!” Ten shouted, tears streaming down his face and Johnny’s chest suddenly felt tight. “I wasn’t going around kissing people either! Taeyong-hyung and Taeil-hyung were right – this was a stupid idea. And I’m so fucking pissed off at myself because I’m such a damn coward – because I couldn’t do it like any normal person.”

Johnny opened his mouth but Ten cut him off. “You asked me what made me question my orientation in the first place – well, do you remember that time I almost hit Doyoung with a basketball?”

_He did._

“Do you remember what you told me then?”

_He didn’t._

“I asked why you were always putting up with my shit and you said, ‘ _You idiot, you don’t choose the people you love_.’ I knew you meant it platonically, but I figured out by then why I didn’t like girls. I tried so hard to let you know who _I_ liked – those fucking Valentine’s Day chocolates I made when I almost burnt down the dorm, that time I got so wasted and you carried me back home – hyung, you know how much I _hate_ it when other people touch me, but I called for you,” Johnny felt his throat closing up and his heart hurt _so_ much. “And I thought: maybe you did figure it out but you just chose to ignore it.

“I asked Taeyong and Taeil for help. I thought that maybe if I kissed you, you’ll stop seeing me as a friend. They were right – I can see how stupid it was now. I was _so_ stupid for trying to take advantage of our friendship like that and I just feel _so_ horrible because you deserve better and I just – I just couldn’t face you again properly. I should’ve just done what they said and told you straight up, but that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? You were merely putting up with me and you’ll never see me that way. I’m a shitty person and I’m just a bother to you, aren’t I?”

His mind was screaming that _no, you’re wrong – you’ve got it all wrong – how can I say it without telling you what I couldn’t even admit to myself,_ but Johnny didn’t say anything – couldn’t say anything.

Ten gave him a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Thought so.”

Johnny was left staring after him as he strode out the living room, felt the wind being knocked out of his chest at the loud bang of his door. He slumped to the ground and swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears prickling his eyes because Ten was wrong about one thing.

He wasn’t the only one that was a coward here. They both were.

 

Weeks had passed and Johnny gave Ten what he requested of him – space. In all honesty, his life became a lot quieter and it was refreshing how peaceful everything was – no more waking up to some stupid scenario at breakfast or trying to put up with too-late-in-the-evening bullshit when all he wants to do is retire to bed. He spent hours on video games and sometimes he played with Taeyong, just sitting in silence on the floor of their room. They never talked about what happened and Johnny was glad the other boy respected him enough for that.

Eventually, Ten moved out and relocated to the dreamies’ dorm. He was a little grateful for it because the tension was always at its peak whenever they were in the same room. Dance practice was a lot more bearable because it was always work and they were too exhausted to think about anything else. But now that Ten wasn’t in their dorm and Johnny was free and didn’t have to worry about someone else twenty-four-seven, which was basically his silent plea to the gods a long time ago, he had never felt more miserable and empty than he did his entire life.

“You alright, hyung?” Jaehyun asked, noticing his quiet mood.

It was a few minutes before NCT Night Night and after checking that the microphones and cameras were still off, Johnny closed his eyes. “I feel terrible.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jaehyun said gently. In the volume Ten was shouting at him that night, he wasn’t surprised that everyone in the dorm was aware of what happened. It was terribly awkward during their first meal together, which was a few days after because Ten was holed up in his room for so long while Johnny felt like he was the shittiest person in the entire world, and Yuta tried his best to break the tension by cracking silly jokes. It helped a little, but the tension was still like an elephant in the room. “The least you can do is give him space. Stop beating yourself up.”

“I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t.” Jaehyun sighed. “It’s not your fault you don’t reciprocate what he feels, right?” he added that last part as if he was testing him.

Jaehyun was too damn good at reading him – he knew the younger boy can see right through him and Johnny thought of telling him everything – tell him all the things he had buried deep down and kept hidden; everything that he was scared of and trying so hard to protect; of how that very purpose just ended up backfiring because now they’re both hurting and miserable. He just wanted to let it all out because he can feel it suffocating him already, squeezing his chest so painfully tight that he can barely breathe, knowing that with every passing minute he does nothing the only person he truly cared for was slowly slipping away.

But Johnny said instead, “How did you and Taeyong end up together?”

Jaehyun appeared taken aback at the question, but he cleared his throat. “Well, uh. He made me some chocolates for my birthday. I said that it was a really sweet gift, but he shook his head and told me it wasn’t for my birthday.” He smiled fondly, remembering the memory. “Apparently, it was for Valentine’s Day and my birthday gift would come much later.”

“Were you scared?”

“Scared?”

“Yeah, because you’re like, really close friends.”

Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows. “I mean, at first I was because you know, we had to consider the risks and I didn’t want to lose the friendship in case things go south. But I really like him so it didn’t matter that much – it’s not like we were in a relationship instantly. We took it slow and went on from there.”

Johnny closed his eyes. He couldn’t help but wonder if Cupid hated him – hated _them_ so much to make all his jumbled emotions fight against each other until he felt like an awful ball of crap pushing them all away and pretending they don’t exist. Why was he so damn scared of _everything_ when it comes to Ten?

“But of course,” Jaehyun added, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “Before that he kept catching me staring at his ass during practice so he kinda just corners me and–”

Johnny groaned. “Okay, enough.” 

“My point is, hyung, tell him before it’s too late.” Jaehyun gave him a look. “People move on eventually. Do it before he moves on from you because I swear to god, you’d both regret it.”

 

Scared didn’t even cover it. Johnny was downright _terrified_. He was a damn coward because he’d rather do anything than this; confront anything than all the things he’d kept repressed and hidden for the past seven years.

“You know,” Taeyong suddenly said from behind him, startling Johnny. He was standing outside Ten’s room for so long he honestly wouldn’t be surprised if an hour passed already. “That door isn’t gonna knock itself.”

“Did Jaehyun send you here?”

“No,” Taeyong snorted. “I came here for Jisung, you dimwit.”

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“Don’t be stupid.” His voice softened. “You know what your problem is? You think so far ahead in the future – live in the present, Johnny. It’s where we are right now.”

Johnny swallowed as their leader walked off. Taeyong was right. He always let his fear of what might get broken, of everything that might go wrong, of how much it would all hurt take over him that he never bothered to take risks at all. He had been wasting so much time that could’ve been spent creating wonderful and genuine memories – denying to himself what he really wanted. He just wanted to protect their friendship; he wanted to save Ten from all the potential heartbreak if ever things didn’t work out between them, but he just ended up hurting him more. He took a deep breath and brought up a hand. He can do this.

He rapped on the door three times. It was only a few seconds but Johnny felt like it was an entire lifetime before Ten opened the door, who looked genuinely surprised to see him before his face settled on nonchalance. “Yes, hyung?”

“I-I know you asked for space, but . . .  can we talk?”

Ten looked like he was about to say no, but he sighed, pushing the door open and heading inside. Johnny followed him.

The room was an absolute mess. Shirts were strewn everywhere while soda bottles and wrappers littered the floor. Johnny almost stepped in a puddle of liquid that he didn’t want to know the origins of.

“Sorry,” Ten mumbled, clearing a space for them to walk and stand in. “I wasn’t really able to clean.” He gestured to his bed, but Johnny shook his head and remained standing. “Okay,” Ten said. “What’s up?”

“I–” Johnny felt the words die in his throat as Ten stared at him. He noted his disheveled appearance, his eyes that were rimmed with red – _I did this_ , he thought, and a sharp pain pierced his heart. He squeezed his hands shut. _He can do this._ “I want to say sorry.”

God, that sounded stupid.

Ten raised an eyebrow. “If you just came here to apologize for not feeling the same way, I don’t want it. I know you’re sorry but the last thing I want is–”

“You don’t understand,” Johnny interrupted, closing the distance between them until Ten had to look up at him. “I’m sorry because . . . I pushed you away.”

Ten just stared at him.

“I didn’t tell you off because you were annoying or I thought you were being childish – fuck, it was the _opposite_ of all those. I got frightened because you were getting too close to me so I said all those mean things I never meant, to create a distance between us because you broke down all the walls I’ve built the past few years in just a matter of minutes.” Ten opened his mouth, but Johnny cut him off. “I was scared to let you kiss me because I knew it wouldn’t just be a friendly kiss for me and I was _so damn frightened_ because I didn’t want to like you even more. Best friends aren’t supposed to like each other this way and I tried so, _so_ _hard_ to repress it – to ignore it – but you just came up to me suddenly saying you want a kiss and fuck, how was I supposed to deal with that?”

“But I tried to take advantage of our friendship,” Ten said, his voice cracking and Johnny reached out to him, pulling him close. He savored the younger boy’s warmth because he can finally hold him like this after all these years of holding himself back, of trying to ignore every pull of his feelings whenever Ten was near him - laughing, and smiling and just being so beautiful. “You shouldn’t be the one apologizing because I'm the one who's wrong– I should’ve handled the matter more seriously.” He buried his face into his chest, sniffling. “But I didn’t want to be the first one to confess because I was scared of looking like an idiot and being rejected so I screwed up and I–”

“We all make mistakes, Ten,” Johnny murmured into his hair. “It’s also my fault for being so terrified all the time because you were right – I did notice, but I just ignored what you felt for me because I was scared. I wondered – what if we don’t work out? What would happen to our friendship, then? Because the last thing I want is fucking it all up - I’d rather remain as your friend if that meant never losing you at all.” The younger boy was trembling in his arms and Johnny embraced him tighter, smoothing his hair. “But I know I won’t lose you because I’m willing to make this work. No matter how difficult it might get – I’m going to keep fighting for you, for us, so that it’ll end up just you and I until the end and I’m sure of it now. I’m gonna stop running away because it’s what you deserve.” He closed his eyes. “And I really want us to try again.”

Ten pulled away to stare at his face. He felt unnerved because Ten was looking at him with such intensity and he was scared that he said the wrong thing – that maybe he _was_ too late and Ten would say no –

But the younger boy touched his face gently and tugged him down, slotting their lips together. It was soft and slow – their hot breaths mingling together and Johnny’s heart was racing so fast. He couldn’t help but think of why he ever doubted this, why he was so frightened in the first place when it all felt so natural. He felt warm all over as he wrapped his arms around Ten’s waist, pulling him closer as Ten sighed into his mouth, and kissed him with so much fervor that he felt so stupid for doubting it all before.

They pulled apart. Johnny looked at him fondly, brushing a lock of hair away from his face, and kissed his temple. “Let’s start over,” he whispered.

Ten smiled at him softly and nodded. “You know that I love you, right?”

Johnny kissed him again, hoping that it would come through to the younger. He still couldn’t say it, but he knew that he loved Ten just as much – heck, maybe even more than he loved him.

  

**Author's Note:**

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